There is a reason they call it “the 36 hour day”- several actually. You’re pulling a triple shift a lot of times, everything feels like a priority, and a lot of caregivers don’t have the tools or knowledge in place to set themselves up to be proactive instead of reactive. Reaction when you can plan for things is time wasted, but for many it’s the way they live their lives. Stack the (absurd) idea that we need to get these things absolutely right all the time, that we need to be perfect, saintly even… it’s just a recipe for a disaster.
There are tons of different time management systems and philosophies out there, and they all work for different brains. I love systems, but I struggled for a long time with actually getting one that worked with caregiving because so many of them assume high performance and that your parameters are within a workspace. I eventually distilled it down to the 3×3 rule: I have 3 priority spots for 3 significant things in my life every day.
I have a business, a marriage, social clubs, three senior dogs, and I’m the solo caregiver for my mom. All of these things take up significant amounts of time in my life because they are significant to me. Juggling all these things can take me down a road of burn out very quickly. My business, marriage, my social clubs, my dogs, and my mom are chronic priorities. They are ongoing until someone is just not on this earth any longer- which means that, until that time comes, they are manageable. Also important is my health, getting enough sleep, finding some time for fun, getting that umpteenth load of laundry done, and all the other things that one needs for a fulfilling existence.
I can’t manage them all at once though, or even do it all in a single day. I had to create systems and an environment that set up everyone for success first. That means once a year, I review my entire household and I get rid of every single item that we haven’t used because if I’m not using it and haven’t in a year I am unlikely to ever need it. Those items also require maintenance and have to be moved around and take up space. I don’t need things in my home that do not serve us but do require that I serve them. Removing items that do not serve us also creates an environment where my mother’s care can easily evolve if it needs to, and the white noise in our brains created by clutter helps her tremendously as well as the rest of us. I also streamline our systems, and there are systems for everything from laundry to grocery shopping to hurricane prep.
In a day, it looks like this: I sit down with my notebook and calendar. If I need to plan out a project of some kind, I do that first. I write out every single known step for something that will take more than 2 steps to accomplish first, and then I guess how much time each step should reasonably take. If it has a deadline, I write that on the project as well. Then, I look for the immutable things- doctors appointments that are already set, dance practices, client sessions that are booked, birthdays, etc. I write 1, 2, and 3 on different lines under each day of the week. I fill in my top three priorities for each day. So, for a day when Mom has an appointment with her hairdresser or the doctor, that goes on a line. If I have dance practice that day, that goes on the next one, and if I have to work with a client that goes on the line as well.
Those are literally the only things that are priorities to get done that day. Anything else is extra. Remember, routine things like cleaning, cooking, etc are just that- routine. They’ll get done at some point.
On another day, I might write on my 1,2, and 3 that I have to complete Step X of a project at home, date with my spouse, and spend time doing something enriching with my mom. There are endless combination possibilities. On other days, that can look like 1) write a blog 2) do some household project step that puts me ahead or on time and 3) watch a show with my spouse that we both like. Other days, my priority list is: 1) take a shower 2) make sure everyone eats and 3) take a nap. It doesn’t always have to be something high performance. It is better if it isn’t because if you’re trying for that, you’re setting a failure and burnout trap for yourself .
This works out well because:
- -it creates focus
- – it creates a low bar for success every day
- -nothing gets stagnant
- – nothing gets ignored
- – There is room for things that I can’t predict
That last part is especially important for caregivers, especially if you live with the person that you are providing care to and for all the time. You never really know from day to day, moment to moment, who they’re going to be or how many (if any) spoons they have available. Some days, some times they are together and able to do more than others, and their situations often escalate quickly. If mom is having a bad bathroom day, that means I need to have a lot of time for cleaning and laundry, and I have a system for that so that I have time for that bad bathroom day (reusable puppy pads, an extendable shower head, and adult pull ups help a lot) and may still be able to move the needle forward on those three things I set out to accomplish.
But if I don’t get to- meh. Caregiving is not an event, it is a way of life. It’s taught me- and will do a remedial lesson for me when I need it- that perfection is not the goal, and that it is absolutely the enemy of good. In the US, we are taught from a really young age that our value as humans is tied directly to our production as well, and often caregivers really struggle with feeling like failures because they did not achieve production and perfection. The failure is that you set yourself up that way. The success is when you don’t.
The Dementia Diva 